Category: Them Boys

To the one I love

Not having you is doing some thing to me… or just undoing me.

It’s an otherworldly feeling (because worldly for me is sexual satisfaction) where by in the middle of a banal activity, my vagina shudders… an actual physical manifestation of how much my body misses you… misses you, not because my heart misses you, but my body on its own misses you.
I have found a soundtrack to this yearning.
The first couple of weeks it was unbearable, being away from you. I thought I would just drop dead from the excruciating restlessness… the anxiety of it all…
but now buried deep within that anxiety and restlessness, i have found a reassurance …for the ever flightyy, ever moving heart of mine… that the love I have for you trickles down to every nook and cranny of my being…I find pieces of it every where..
I find them in my heart.
I find them in my happy place.
I find them in the aforementioned shudders of my vagina.
I find them in my thoughts
I find them in my past
I find them in my present
and I find them in my future
I find them in the babies I want to have with you
I find them in the life I want to build with you
I find them in the home we will have.
I love you so much mayri jaan.

You know that I know that thats exactly what you do when you hold my gaze a millisecond longer than you would otherwise.

You are married and I am happily married. So whats with this behaviour? You are making me do things I am not liking. I know that you know that I know exactly how you make me do that. How you make me ask you for cigarettes when I have a half pack lying in my bag. How you make me go to your side of the floor and make me linger on the stairs with the hope that we’ll walk past each other. You make me wear a little more make-up then I would otherwise. You are making me do all those things which I had gladly left behind, a lifetime back.

I know that you replay that one night in your head again and again, wondering how it could have turned out and how in the world did it turn out the way it did. I know that you know that I do the same…

I also know that while here I am sitting here sounding like I am complaining, we both know that I am not. You know that I am not the one who looks away first.

But what you might not know is that either way, I want you to stop cause thats the only way i’ll stop.


It happened for me only once.

He was my bestfriendinthewholewideeeeworld. He was everything. The air I Breathed. The Star I orbited around. The God I worshipped. The tunes I hummed. The religion I practiced.

He was my everything.

I spent that period of my life, every moment, every second, so I had something to tell him at night. He was my very first love.

I remember the time, when I was 19 and on my way back from a party, at which I had danced with him all through. We had been friendly and spent quite some time talking on the phone for a while by then. Not in the potential-fuck kinda way. We got along well and that was that, or something like that. I hung out with him in university a lot. The phone calls had become a daily-routine kinda thing. After the party I tried to look for him and just couldn’t find him. So I was disappointed about leaving without goodbyes. It was when we were getting out of the car park that I saw him sitting on his car boot. Legs dangling, Big Coke bottle in hand, talking to his best friend… and I yelled. Brakes slammed and I ran out. Its when I was standing right across him that I figured how dramatic all of that was. He smiled a huge smile, pulled me forward and gave me a big hug. I don’t remember walking back to the car.

It was a sleepless night, which followed, followed by even more sleeplessness. Whole two years of it. Life was perfect. I was happy.

I didnt ask him out or declare my love to him… atleast in so many words. I just knew it, even then, that if he broke my heart I would never be able to get over it. I just knew it. So one way loving was better… and sufficient. I know how that tends to dampen a lot of young souls but me, I was okay with just looking at him. Talking to him. Having him make fun of me. The role of his confidante was more than I could have asked for. How could I, being me, wish for more. Such was he. Such was I.

A year and nine months passed, before me and him got romantically involved, from that time in the car park. It was worth the wait. Crazy, Passionate, Beautiful and Surreal. It was, quite literally, a dream come true.

So I listen to this song & go back to that time, feeling every word of this song. Mushy, I know… but I swear, it was this  very happiness. This very fairy-tale-perfection.

So I don’t mind that state of affairs my life is going through now. When things are pitch-black-dark and gloomy, I can go back to that time and know that I felt something that people can only dream off. I had it. I still do…

All I need, is to close my eyes and think of him.

There is a dream…

…Where its me and you and nothing else. Metaphorically & Literally.

There is nobody else. No worries. No schedules. No cell phones. No outside noise. No fiances. No emotional baggage. No sense of time. No religion. No nothing.

Just Me & You.

There are hours, or maybe they are just a few minutes, but we cover distances what people travel over years. We tell each other all. Tell, to the point where you & I are one. We know the same things. We know cause we want to know and not because we have to. There’s no body else.

Just Me & You.

For once I don’t need to establish anything. Success, Courage, Bravery, Honor, Love, Trust, Decency, they hold no meaning. Your vices mean nothing. My vices are cherished. We kiss each others scars. We cry through our failings. Your sins are treated like medals, as they are part of you, if not all of you. Its all reciprocated. I am happy. You are happy. Nothing else matters.

Just Me & You.

We tell each other tales from our past. We share dreams. Without any hesitance, we make plans of taking vacations. Bungee Jumping, Tango and red wine. We giggle like school girls at a sleepover. We make shopping plans and you promise to take me to your favorite road-side cafe. I matter to you. You matter to me.  The world seizes to exist.

Just Me & You.

We end up in each others arms. We touch each other. Eyes, Cheeks, Lips, Chin, Collar Bones, Ribs, Belly Button, Thighs, Feet, Toes. North to South. We touch everything in the way. For once finger tips have a mind of their own. We let that be. Then it’s the lips that take over. We let that be too. You kiss me. I kiss you. Mouth to Mouth. Like a traveller who has been without water, we drink each other. You caress me; My soul does a happy dance. Its sexual. Its spiritual. Its physical . Its cosmic. We make whatever we want to make of it. The night belongs to the two of us. The rest fades away.

Just Me & You.

There is music in the air. You are my instrument and I am the best at it. You groan, you sigh. You moan out loud. I dance to your heart beat. Your wrap your arms around me. We fit perfectly. Back to chest. Hip to Hip. Limbs intertwined,  we are a piece of art. Conciousness slips away. We fall asleep like that. Your mild snores are there in the back ground. There is a suggestion of a smile on your lips, that belongs to me.

When I wake up, everythings forgotten but the smile stays. In my heart, In my eyes, or on my lips. It stays…

Some Yummy Days..

I have almost never found a guy attractive based on the way he looked. Height, being an exception. I like Men who command respect and have big impressive personalities.  I  judge them based on the books they read and the music they listen to. Right or Wrong, its just the way it is.

Yummy Boy, was short. He listened to trance and dancy-wancy crap beat-y music. I doubt he has read anything other than movie titles. He was goofy and the smile on his face and the sparkle in his eyes could make my heart giggle. He showed signs of what-could-have-been-a-hot-body, but it was well disguised under folds of blubber. He was an adoreable drunk and could dance in the most seductive way ever, after downing a few.

The point of this post, you might ask.

I am making myself forget him. Move by move, smile by smile. However I know there will be lows in life, when I’ll be just a mere incubator, to a dead me… and I know then, Yummy Boy will serve as a great ‘Happy Place’…

Kiss.Suck.Bang…& Bye

Dear Yummy Boy

I wish I could have you to myself for a short period of time. Just a day or two. A week, but not longer.

I can’t even count the ways I would reciprocate for every single time you sent shivers down my spine and every time you made my heart skip. I would get back at you, in saintly evil ways. I would run my icey-cold finger tips on the insides of your thighs. I would kiss you a billion times over. Lips & Eyes. Lips & Neck. Lips & Chest. Hours would go by like that… I would make you float, while you lie face down on the bed. I would do things I could never do before. I would let the slut in me rule. I would do it all.

.. and after that, I would give you a hug, wish you luck, say bye and get the fuck out.