Category: Sigh, This Life!


…That it’s never really completly lost. There is always a fragment of it, if not more, floating around in the back of your mind.

Every time you look at yourself in the mirror.

Someone mention ‘his’ name.

Meet an acquaintance who knew you as “him & her”.

Late at night.

When “that” song is playing on the radio.

Its never really completly lost. Its just always there. One way or another.

Consider this.

I am mostly rather happy. Atleast, for the ones looking from the outside… and minus all the cribbing and the hormonal-ness of my being, I am content with my life. I love my job. I love my friends. I am crazy about my family. I have the world’s most caring, loyal, sincere, loving, doting, generous fiance ever.

However there is a reason why I dont stay in a happy bubble for too long. Simply put, I am the most uninspired when I am happy. Happiness doesn’t give me a rush. It might have to do with the fact that I actually have had tons of it all my life. So I am rather non chalante about it.

Sadness and pain on the other hand have this way of making words dance out of me. So does being horny actually. Apart from these two states, I can’t think of any other which can make me say deep, meaningful stuff.

I have no idea whats up with that. So the one, two people I have, who frequent my blog .. when they ask of me to be regular, they should hope that I am heart broken or really really horny.

Otherwise, its pieces like this one, they will have to make do with. I apologize for the inconvenience that, might be causing to you all.Find solace in the fact, that none of it, is intentional…

Kisses & Hugs

It happened for me only once.

He was my bestfriendinthewholewideeeeworld. He was everything. The air I Breathed. The Star I orbited around. The God I worshipped. The tunes I hummed. The religion I practiced.

He was my everything.

I spent that period of my life, every moment, every second, so I had something to tell him at night. He was my very first love.

I remember the time, when I was 19 and on my way back from a party, at which I had danced with him all through. We had been friendly and spent quite some time talking on the phone for a while by then. Not in the potential-fuck kinda way. We got along well and that was that, or something like that. I hung out with him in university a lot. The phone calls had become a daily-routine kinda thing. After the party I tried to look for him and just couldn’t find him. So I was disappointed about leaving without goodbyes. It was when we were getting out of the car park that I saw him sitting on his car boot. Legs dangling, Big Coke bottle in hand, talking to his best friend… and I yelled. Brakes slammed and I ran out. Its when I was standing right across him that I figured how dramatic all of that was. He smiled a huge smile, pulled me forward and gave me a big hug. I don’t remember walking back to the car.

It was a sleepless night, which followed, followed by even more sleeplessness. Whole two years of it. Life was perfect. I was happy.

I didnt ask him out or declare my love to him… atleast in so many words. I just knew it, even then, that if he broke my heart I would never be able to get over it. I just knew it. So one way loving was better… and sufficient. I know how that tends to dampen a lot of young souls but me, I was okay with just looking at him. Talking to him. Having him make fun of me. The role of his confidante was more than I could have asked for. How could I, being me, wish for more. Such was he. Such was I.

A year and nine months passed, before me and him got romantically involved, from that time in the car park. It was worth the wait. Crazy, Passionate, Beautiful and Surreal. It was, quite literally, a dream come true.

So I listen to this song & go back to that time, feeling every word of this song. Mushy, I know… but I swear, it was this  very happiness. This very fairy-tale-perfection.

So I don’t mind that state of affairs my life is going through now. When things are pitch-black-dark and gloomy, I can go back to that time and know that I felt something that people can only dream off. I had it. I still do…

All I need, is to close my eyes and think of him.

A whole new world.

I remember wearing a bra for the first time. It showed in my walk, the kick I got from that. It was like a certificate with adulthood stamped all over it. I was big. Grown up.

I remember the first time I got periods. This thing that I knew and I was n’t to tell my brothers. Something grown up about knowing a secret, all women knew.

Then when boys started holding eye contact for a tad longer than what was required. Boy-footsteps following me back home from college. Whistles and sniggers, which gave me this funny ego boost.

Then going to university. My first boyfriend. My first Love. My first kiss. Graduation. First job. Giving Mama a pocket money.

Everytime I had this realization, that whatever I felt before was just stupid. It was ‘Now’ that I was an adult. Whatever came before just dulled in comparison always, and the realization always had these happy bubbles popping in my heart.

But today when I was sitting across my fiance, with this dull throbbing pain in my heart, knowing that we painted the picture of ‘bored couple at the restaurant’ perfectly to the last dot, is when I just Knew it, that it was never before this moment. It was today, that I  finally reached that point. I sat there through churning insides. through the bile rising in my throat. through the tears. through an acute pain and hollow sadness. I sat there. Holding his hands and telling him that I love him. I was alone, fingers locked with his, I was a sad lonely person, with nothing but that stamp of adulthood on my forhead. Grown up. I wasn’t big. I was old.

Adulthood, turns out has nothing to do with boobs, sex and a pay cheque. It has nothing to do with ‘No-curfews’ and independance. It has everything to do with responsibility and living with your actions and their consequences. Its saying ‘yes’ when your insides are yelling ‘no’. Its saying ‘I love you’ to the person you respect yet not love, the way you are supposed to. Its understanding that your life is attached to a million others. The butterfly effect. The domino effect. How it all applies to your life and the actions you take. Its saying farewell to impulses. Its cajoling the child inside you and telling it that it will be okay while acting  older than your age in front of the world. Its decadence. Its making the people around you happy. Its worrying about your parents. Its doing the right thing.

So amidst rings of smoke and tasteless restaurant food, I finally understood adulthood. Understood it and then embraced it.

Bidding farewell…

Its not as easy as you think it is.

I was 21 when I learnt one of the harshest realities of life; Life goes on, no matter what. Great consolation, along with an extreme form of sadness lies in the fact. Without knowing this, your beloved is like a life-line. Saying bye is impossible. You hang on, scared of what would happen to you and who would love you again but once this mini life-fact has been registered in your head, you realize that no matter how much you once loved some one and no matter how much time, energy and effort you invested in your time with someone, it doesn’t matter once a little time has gone by. The downside of relationships get magnified when viewed through the magnifying glass of forever.

So its as simple as that. I love my fiance. I know I will never find another man who could compare to him. The way he is and the way he loves. Yet for some fucked up reason its not enough… Its just not.

So I’ll see him in a few hours to “talk”. I have no idea what I’ll say. I have never hurt someone this much. I have never been that person. How did I get here?..

not to mention, how shall I tell Mama, Papa?..